I sit here typing away at this blog willing to share my opinions on my thoughts of a range of mental and physical challenges we all deal with throughout our day to day lives. I write about these things because I myself struggle with so many of these issues and find writing about it to another person (or more) therapeutic. I find solace in knowing I might be helping another out as I’m trying to help myself understand, well, myself.
Over the course of the past 18 months I found myself getting stronger and clearer in my mindset. Especially during the covid19 period that affected my state (South Australia) at it’s most heaviest in the back end of March through to June in 2020. I was less dependent on what other people might want from me, or at least what I thought they wanted from me. I began setting goals and adhering to the processes I needed to execute to accomplish them.
Then in the back end of September found myself slowly slipping away from all my strengths somewhat. Allowing exterior factors to drive me away from myself. Exterior factors that I really have no control over yet allowed my mind to stew on them for ridiculous amounts of time daily. I began finding it so very hard to meditate, read and just function in all my self care ways I had been so good at every month before this one in this year.
Why we protect ourselves
I know that the things I was feeling were a cause of what I had experienced in the past. Because I have been dished several undesirable experiences (as have all of us) my mind had rewired itself to protect me from experiencing those painful feelings again. It rewires itself in a way that keeps us away from the experiences that hurt us in the past. It then speaks to us in it’s inner voice form constantly. It’ll put doubt in our minds at almost every moment it sees an opportunity in the form of something that has happened before in any miniscule way.
My inner voice constantly has me living in the future (anxiety) painting scenarios that will mostly never come to pass. It plucks information from the past to rewrite what it thinks will happen in the future, all to protect me. But the pain of it is at times almost unbearable. I run, I lift, I walk to get away from the false thoughts that hurt me so. All because the struggle to delve back into the trialled and proven cures in meditation and reading don’t seem…Instant enough.
*It’s droll, as human beings we learn of routines that will cure our pain, our stagnancy, our deep rooted sadness. We can execute these routines copious times previously. But we still, to this moment we are living right now, find it all too long winding to execute once more. We always want instant gratification and comfort.
Momentum, in it’s literal sense, is what I find temporarily numbs the time travelling frenzy that occupies my mind. ‘You gotta go now man, you gotta keep moving or your head and heart will explode simultaneously!’ And often I will abide by my dictating narrator without much resistance. The times I do try to resist and read or meditate are honestly the hardest. But ultimately pay off the most.
Talk to someone
As much as I want to be that beacon of hope for everyone to come to with any of their issues, I still find it hard to reach out to others when I am the one in need of unloading my mental baggage.
But over the past month I have found myself so close to another crescendo of unbearable self loathing that I have confide in quite a number of people. And you know what? Each and every one of them had the time and emotional empathy to help me. Each time I talked to someone I gained some kind of knowledge that at least cleared my mind temporarily at the very least. Actually, no. Each conversation I had improved my mental fortitude and self belief. The belief I needed to know that everything that I’m doing in my life is not without purpose. That everything I have changed in myself is for the better. That exterior elements that cast challenges born out of self struggles are always going to be in my path.
*There is a chance to extract another tool from every exterior element that throws it’s baggage in your direction. There in lays another tool to bare for your challenges ahead.
You will be surprised how many people are willing to lend their ear to you if you just let down your guard and give yourself to them. It’s and extremely vulnerable thing to do, asking for help. But when you do, the conversation with the interlocutor takes another level to what you’re used to from talking with that person. But do bare in mind, be selective with who you do choose to confide in. Not all of your friends and even family are necessarily on the same page as you or at least in the understanding of your plight.
The more you can talk to others about what is eating at you, the more you give yourself a fighting chance at rewiring that brain of yours from ‘trying’ to protect, you. At least, that is what I am telling myself.
I used these at the end of 2019 and honestly found that they helped once I let myself believe that they are true of me. I gravitate back to these 3 whenever I feel myself slip into self doubt.
- I’m a good person
- I appreciate myself
- I love myself
The first 2 are what I started with for a couple of weeks before trying the third. The third one was hard to say to myself, even in my head. But once I started to believe the first 2 affirmations I slowly accepted that it’s okay to love myself. I’m not a bad person and I certainly never intend to hurt others so why not love yourself for all that you are and can be?
Every moment we spend manifesting stories about our self worth because we are not sure what someone else is thinking about us will allow old unwanted habits to seep back in. The ups and downs just aren’t the quality of life we deserve.
Onwards and upwards I say.
Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.Steve Maraboli
Find your affirmation/s, and repeat them like you’re rehearsing for that school play you did back in primary school all those years ago. Sure you might muck it up a few 100 times like I have and do, but soon enough you’ll come to believe that thing you’ve made yourself rehearse.
And remember, reach out to somebody and talk!
Look after yourself.
Self awareness is progression