Where to begin?
The feeling of anxiety that comes with the inordinateness that is our day to day lives.
To feel like there are so many options in your life but not know where to begin. To not know which direction of your concentrated effort will bring the fruits of your hard work and time. It can be an anxiety that at first goes undetected, for a little while. But sooner or later the anxiety will start to consume you.
It may consume you in the way you begin to skip daily scheduled writing sessions. You may begin to take those instant gratifications throughout the day that you were in control of previously. In that, you may find yourself in a groundhog day with how you eat like a regimented athlete throughout the day to only falter come the evening when there is no-one else around. Only your thoughts that seem to berate you with a gradual tenacity everyday that you miss your mindfulness breathing sessions.
Overwhelmed. Don’t get overwhelmed. I’m always, always overwhelmed.
Do I read 30+ pages a day? Do I write every single day whether it in journal, blog or script form? Do I train twice a day to keep my base for if I ever decide to go another level? Do I do something else?
It was all working for quite some time, what happened? How, when and where did it all start to unravel?
Losing ones way
How often do you lose your way in this life you’ve chosen? Is it once every few years? Every few months? Weeks? Is it every single day at different points? Breakfast has passed and you’re unbreakable, lunch time arrives and you haven’t missed a beat, mid afternoon is upon you and all of a sudden you feel alone in a room full of people and all you want to do is fast forward to tomorrow to change something. Change something that happened in the day previous that may have triggered your feeling of despair that derives from the feeling of loneliness that derives from the million thoughts that are overwhelming.
But you cannot. You cannot change anything from the day previous, you can only ‘try’ to extract moments and find what may have been the trigger to your days downward spiral. Was it an external affair? Doubtful, everything that burns us is from internal issues unresolved. Yet, there is something external that is triggering and it needs to be identified so it can be dealt with.
The real kicker is the fact that I cannot find what is triggering me at this point in time on an almost daily basis. Losing ones way is an overwhelming feeling because to lose ones way means that one HAD a way previously. You know what was working right before, but you get bombarded with all these options of how to get back and where to begin the journey to realignment.
I feel I know my root cause of my derailment. The interesting thing, scratch that. Interesting is a fucking lazy word. The frightening thing about my probable root cause is that it is something that I’ve lived with for most of my life. It is something I thought I knew how to deal with. But obviously I need to find another avenue, another stone unturned to help put a new system in place to tackle this immense loneliness I feel.
It’s on your side
Time. Time is something that gradually plays on my mind with every significant moment that presents itself and just as quickly passes.
For every time a new work colleague arrives. For another property I purchase. For another friend that has a new born. For every person I know that passes away…Any moment that is apart of life and the way it evolves, I feel this growing pain in my soul to do something more. And for every day that I slightly miss a beat I absolutely abuse myself in a self worthiness sense…or lack of self worth I should say.
I tell myself time is on my side and I get told the same thing by others. But I constantly doubt it with my inability to pick a fucking lane.
Do any of you feel like you have something in you that is meant for more? I do, and I’m a human being. So you absolutely do. Why aren’t you doing the thing that you know you would absolutely relish in? Well, it’s probably for reasons similar to the ones I’ve mentioned above.
We are all the same, within reason. When you look at someone, try and see their story. Or, try to see that there is a story there that contains almost every emotion you can ever think of. Some of us have had it really fucking rough in very different ways both physical and mental. Some of us have had it rather good. But even those people still suffer to degrees.
I guess, what I’m trying to say today is that we are all doing pretty well to grind out each day without jumping ship. Look after each other and keep chipping away at whatever it is that you have chosen to pursue. Hopefully, the fruits of your hard work will transpire.
Self awareness is progression