This one is the one, I’m sure of it
Every god damned single time. No matter what. I think I’ve found the one. ‘But she has this quality that I’ve never seen in another person before’, I’ll tell myself and others. ‘A girl like her will never come around again’, will undoubtedly be the next line in my fallacy.
It turns out in hindsight that this is not the case. It’s far from it.
When we wear rose coloured glasses we tend to have a distorted view of what’s in front of us. There could be a ton of red lights being put before us as we converse with our current love interest that we just miss completely. We have these rose coloured glasses distort our views to make us think our love interest is perfect in every way. Manipulating sentences they say that might be quite harsh, into sentences that fit our narrative of how we perceive them, or, would like to perceive them.
It certainly isn’t healthy. You’re only delaying the inevitable of getting thrown aside or replaced if you keep reading into your love interests mixed signaled dialogues with self translations that suit YOUR narrative. I go back to last weeks Mark Manson line of ‘It’s either a fuck yes! Or it’s a fuck no!’ And if you aren’t getting these kind of signals way more often than not, you need to run the fuck away. Abandon ship before you go down with it!
Lesson learned: Remove the rose coloured glasses and jump that sinking ship before you go down with it.
A waste of time?
Time under tension allows muscles the ability to breakdown then potentially adapt and grow bigger and stronger, allowing they are fed and rested adequately. A relationship that went no where can be treated just as such.
There’s 2 ways you can go about looking at a past relationship:
- time wasted: This is like training a muscle group and then choosing to spend the next 48hrs partying it up drinking and eating carb after carb with no other nutrients to fuel your body. Oh, and completely neglect a good night’s sleep to help that body recover. You can dwell on a past relationship and point out all the faults of your ex. But you’d be missing a crucial point. What did YOU have to contribute to the relationship? Both good and bad, what did you bring and possibly neglect to provide to the proverbial table?
- Time spent learning lessons: This time I’m sure you get the drill. You’ve used your time wisely and grown bigger, stronger and wiser from the experience/s. It may not happen instantly, extracting all the lessons from the hurt that was your last relationship, but in time (the master of all growth if given the permission) you will start to see the opportunities of self growth. Admit to yourself of your flaws and accept the decisions and possibly reasons why (if given to you) your past love interest left. You’re still livin’n’breathin’ my friend.
In saying these, I guarantee you that I am no master of the words I’ve just typed. It will forever be a challenge to grow out of hurtful cocoons I place myself in and then try to extract what I need to flourish once the walls have been stripped around me.
Lesson learned: Allow time to let down those protective walls around you before you start to learn from the past.
Passing ships in the night
It’s funny, a person you once had relations with, once shared a bed or beds with, opened up with, fantasized spending life with…Can suddenly become a complete stranger. Just like before, going back to not knowing each other. Going full circle.
A journey that begun with an exponential connection built on communication, at least on the surface, and for what we chose to divulge at those points in time. Passing ships in the night is all those moments will forever be.
Love can be a cycle of everything and of nothing.
But for me, some of the time, getting as far away as I can physically and mentally is the only option. The only way I know that time will heal over the wound that will never completely disappear. But will no doubt patch up almost as good as new. To forgive but not forget is what each and every scar tissue should be there to remind us. But to forgive is pretty unreasonable at times it feels. And forgetting is hard when your past love interest may still be around from time to time.
Are you willing to forgive someone that shared your soul for a period of time, no matter how long or short? Can you forget all the joys that played so heavily in your relationship just as much as you want to forget all the unanswerable gut wrenching nonchalance? No you can’t. I don’t believe any person that is of a healthy mind could forget the good times and the bad. So that brings me to;
Lesson learned: Forgive but not forget. But it will take some time and it will not be easy, not one bit.
To live, love, and endure.
To live is to feel. Feel it all, do all us lucky full functioning beings on this planet.
To feel immense pain you had to at some point in your time live through immense love. Or vice versa. We are so lucky aren’t we? The fact that we are able to feel immeasurable feelings of emotion throughout our days. The way we are feeling when we are in love can change the way the wind feels upon our face, the way the coffee smells in the cafe, the way music sounds wherever we hear it, the way we see everybody else around us on our daily ventures. Just as bluntly that pain can cause the opposite affect in ever scenario in potently melancholy ways.
We are built by design, to endure the cycle of these two extremities. Yin yang, always containing a large amount of one extremity while the other lays almost dormant but very much there in some capacity. Like Yin and Yang we need to have a contrasting feeling at all times to keep us somewhat grounded. To live a life full of love we need to be aware that there is so much pain around us and that we need to be generous to those around us in dire straights. To live a life of pain but realise that if we are able to keep showing up day after day and give our best selves to whoever is before us, that the tides will eventually turn.
When feeling immense pain I try to look back to times where I had felt supreme happiness. What was happening in those moments of utter joy for me? What was she saying or doing? What was the sun like on my skin? Was the air around me cool or warm? What music was playing in the background? It’s bloody hard to do this because the pain is so potently living in my now and all it wants to do is linger in my mind draining me of all purpose. But when I can catch those brief waves of joyful reflection, to know that for at least some moments, I had the attention of a beautiful woman that possibly had very strong feelings for me as I did her. It need not matter now that she doesn’t feel the same because time is free flowing and I need to adapt with it. But to hold onto those moments in the past knowing that our paths, for at least a little while, were connected and glorious.
Lesson learned: Love, pain and everything in between are free flowing in time. You can grab memories at any time you choose. Which ones will you choose to use?
I know more than I knew before I know more than I knew before I didn't rest, I didn't stop Did we fight or did we talk? Ooh I'll be the one who'll break my heart I'll be the one to hold the gun Feist
Where there is love there is life.Mahatma Gandhi
Thankyou for your time once again. Connection, everybody’s a weirdo and how love is a skill more than a feeling. Those are the topics I will cover next week wrapping up this topic I hold close to my heart.
Nos vemos por ahora. (see you for now)
Self awareness is progression