The forever elusive trait
Patience is something that has never come easy for me. For as long as I’ve known I’ve struggled with the thought of waiting until tomorrow to get or do something. Even when the idea I’ve only thought up 5 minutes ago sits in my mind, I have this incredible urge to pursue it immediately.
My father recently told me over a coffee of how my sister was just like him with the way she needed to have things done almost instantly once the idea came to fruition. Even though most of these things can wait, they need to be done now. I thought to myself at that moment how I too was like my father and sister.
It is a trait that I have never really been able to shake. Like most traits in us I suppose. We learn them from a very early age and then carry them with us like we carry our very skin. The feeling that comes with being impatient is an intense and overwhelming fear of missing out. The constant fear of not doing this new idea immediately and then forever losing that chance at whatever it might be.
Fear of missing out, I put down as anxiety. To constantly think of what might be happening in another place in another time in the not so distant future. It’s living in variable futures that will more than likely come to pass with an unforeseen outcome in their place.
We’ll worry about the future not panning out how we want it to when we cannot manipulate the present the way we would like. If we don’t do or say that thing right now the world as we want to know it, will undoubtedly end, we convince ourselves.
I try to be patient enough to either wait and get to this time or be patient enough to eventually decide ‘hang on, do I really want this? Maybe this time I’ve had to think has been a good thing. I’m not going to do this plan anymore! I think I dodged a bullet with this one!’ These moments, these are the ones I always think to myself ‘I have finally mastered patience. I will never fuck things up again.’
I fuck things up again.
Stumbling one lesson at a time
There have been an immeasurable amount of times where I have not waited long. I’ve literally slept on an idea one night to then wake and still go through with what I believe to be an excellent decision that very next day. To then very, very quickly realise that I have made a big mistake that cannot be taken back.
No matter what my past has taught me there is always another situation that arises that feels completely new. And as much as the time and situation might be new, the scenario is just the same devil dressed in another disguise. Waiting to test me. Ready to see if my trials and tribulations of the past have truly learned me.
I’d say half the time I in fact respond accordingly (to my lessons learned in the past). But the other half, I still stumble over the trip hazard that is impatience. The desire for whatever it might be is too shiny and bright for me to be still and contemplate my actions. But to instead plow through head first and pick up the pieces (that are inevitably of my own self) on the way out are what I do.
It is from this point in time where hindsight rears it’s head yet again. Informing me of the high and low points of what I have just experienced. Perhaps patience would have best been used here. But how was I to slow down when my heart was beating faster and louder than any other organ in my body? How was I to be still for a collection of moments when an intoxication of feelings played the most beautiful of orchestras in my ears whenever I tried so hard to be matter of fact? perhaps regardless of the speed I approached this task I would have fallen.
The saying is ‘patience is a virtue’. The saying means to have self control and the ability to think about others and their happiness. To do what is not right for yourself, but what is right for the situation.
We should always do what is right for the situation, and every situation is different. We are failures from time to time, sure. But if we can fail and still stumble forward with another piece of perspective from each story in our lives, we might just find our patience. And with that patience, a hope in trusting whatever comes our way will be the thing we wanted all along.
Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in your mind.David G. Allen
Self awareness is progression